Valentine’s Day Tips from Brutish&Short

Well, it’s official: despite pounding Airborne and ginseng for these last few days with the rapacity of a couple of starving curs let loose in a poorly guarded Snausages factory, your humble editors here at Brutish&Short have finally succumbed to a serious case of VD fever. (That’s how people typically abbreviate “Valentine’s Day,” right?) So in order to ensure that your upcoming Cupid cupidity both begins and ends with a bang, please enjoy the following sensual suggestions from three gentleman who — and I don’t mean to brag — have rarely ever had to pay for sex in their lives.

1) You can never — I repeat, NEVER – have too much lube.

What are you going to do with all this lube?! Wrestling match? Biggest adult party ever? If you are looking for a simply jaw-dropping amount of lube, Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant is ready to get the fun started with this 55 gallon drum! With its superb formula you will have a natural feel that keeps you moist longer and also works great with all toy materials. Easily washes away with warm water and mild soap. You may never run out of lube again!

Size: 55 gallons

Note: Includes pump

Includes pump. Man, now that’s just thoughtful! Imagine the joy on your lover’s face when he or she walks into the bedroom to find this tubular beauty next to the nightstand. All I can say is, pass the ShamWow!

[Editor's note: Perhaps the best part of this product is the "Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed" information, which reveals that the sort of people who are likely to need 55 gallons of lube are also the sort of people interested in Horse Head Masks, Laptop Steering Wheel Desks, Kindle Fires (natch), Testicle Self Exam Forms, and, of course, Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tees.]

 2) A cock in the trap is worth two in the bush.

We’ve all heard of the honey trap, of course, but with this Do-All Outdoors Professional Single 3/4 Cock Trap, you can really take your gonad game to the next level. That said, I can’t say that I’m entirely smitten with this particular model. First of all, what, exactly, does a “do-all” cock trap do (besides trap cock, I mean)? Frankly, if it doesn’t also fold laundry and make milkshakes, I think it can hardly be said to “do all.”

Secondly, if you are in the market to trap cock, do you really want to do so outdoors? To me — and maybe I’m just old fashioned — but to me, cock trapping is an intimate indoor activity, undertaken with or without a loved one in the privacy of your own home. Granted, it’s nice to know that when the cock-trapping time arrives, you will be equipped to do so in a professional manner, but unaccounted-for variables such as inclement weather and peeping Toms make outdoor cock trapping a risky proposition indeed.

Thirdly, if this is merely a Single 3/4 Cock Trap, what other varieties of cock trap am I missing out on? Can I purchase a Double 3/4 cock trap for me and a friend? (A very close friend, naturally.) And what if my cock is larger than average? Must we deal only in fractions, or is integer sizing available as well?

Fifthly, while I would never begrudge anyone their God-given right to trap cock, what does the free range cock movement have to say on the subject of trapped cocks? Are they up…in arms over this innovation? Or have they come to accept that this is simply the price you pay when you’re in the sack of Big Cock?

3) A nickel for your pickle used to be a solid deal. With inflation, however, you shouldn’t accept anything less than quarter these days.

Yeah, that’s right: where do you think you put it? It’d be just like if Eduard Khil lived in your twat! (Or arse, depending on preference.)

More to come tomorrow! (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more!)

UPDATE: Nope. Apparently not