So in 1993, noted fat person Al Gore invented the Internet, which everybody knows because everybody heard him say that in a debate with somebody or maybe George Bush said it or was that Swift Boating or was it ‘97 or even 2000? Something about black boxes, I think. Lockboxes? Doesn’t matter, it’s a stupid question that everybody knows is wrong because Al Gore didn’t invent the Internet; the Internet was just there from the beginning and everyone knows that so get over it already. I mean, Jesus.
Anyway, so the point of this website is that the Internet needs scrupulous and worthy and honorable guardians and gatekeepers, and since we’re not gonna be seeing any of those sprouting up like daffodils or blades of grass from, like, the ether anytime soon, or leaping to the defense of the Internet from the Internetty shadows — even though the Internet obviously needs all the help it can get because it’s like a guy holding up a convenience store, only reversed, where the guy getting held up is the Internet, you know? That’s what the Internet’s like right now! And we — the people of this website — are just here to be the good citizen in the convenience store who’s all like, “Hey, buddy jackass, hey you! Hey, guy holding up the Internet right now. You? Yeah, you! ‘Hey’ much? ‘Hey’! Knock it off!” and then we tackle the gun from the bad guy’s hands and smash into the rack stacked with 99 cent chips which explode (BOOMBOOMBANGclatterclatter) all over the linoleum, which will make it look cool on the YouTube video — from the surveillance camera, guys, never forget the surveillance camera. Anyways. Then (getting back to the story), after all that, we get up — and we have the bad guy’s gun now, remember — and we say, “Hey, bad guy! HEY! Stay down! STAY DOWN! The police are on the way! THE POLICE! ARE ON! THE WAY!” And the bad guy does stay down! Because guns! And then, to top it all off, the Internet comes out from behind the deli counter and kisses us on the cheek and we blush and you can hear the sirens in the background and see them start flashing red and blue off the buildings and the camera fades out to a montage of skyline shots of the city you happen to be in. And all of that’s ALSO on the YouTube video! Or maybe it’s even on Vimeo, if the camera’s good! And there’s a really inspiring song playing right at the end — a really inspiring one, with maybe a piano or an organ or maybe a choir or something like that — and remember how the Internet is the girl/guy and in the end we get him/her — we get to win his/her heart?
This website is exactly like that.
Sincerely yours,
~The Editors
PS – If you haven’t already, check out our Inflammatory Writ.
