Hey, ladies! Bikini season is right around the corner. You have mere months to look effortlessly fit and appropriately lithe. What’s a modern woman to do?
Shoot herself up with weird pregnancy hormones, of course!
The New York times has the skinny (hahaha!):
Ms. Brown, 35, is not taking hCG to help her bear a child. She believes that by combining the hormone injections with a 500-calorie-a-day diet, she will achieve a kind of weight-loss nirvana: losing fat in all the right places without feeling tired or hungry. “I had a friend who did it before her wedding,” Ms. Brown said. “She looks great.”
You know what’s really “pulling the weight” (that one’s not as good, is it?) in this revolutionary two-pronged diet approach? The part where you fucking starve yourself!
But wait, there’s more!
The F.D.A. recently received a report of a patient on the hCG diet who had a pulmonary embolism, said Christopher Kelly, a spokesman for the agency. He said the hormone carried risks of blood clots, depression, headaches and breast tenderness or enlargement.
If you don’t commit suicide or have a stroke first, your tits might get bigger, too! Still more!
But unlike other popular diet supplements, hCG, which is derived from the urine of pregnant women, has acquired an aura of respectability because the injections are available only by prescription.
These two phrases in the same sentence: I never thought I’d live to see the day. Even more!
Ms. Brown’s physician, Lionel Bissoon, a well-known society doctor with an office off Central Park West, charges $1,150 for his hCG program, which covers an examination, injection training, a month’s supply of the hormone and syringes, and blood work to monitor for possible trouble.
“From an anecdotal point of view,” Dr. Bissoon said, “physicians all around the country have seen people losing a tremendous amount of weight with this stuff, and you cannot afford to ignore that.”
Shorter Dr. Bisson: “I am making a goodly sum promoting this fad diet.”
Finally, there is the icing on the cake (Ha again! Unlikely at 500 calories a day!):
Then there are the nutritional concerns about a diet that some say mimics anorexia. “The average person is going to eat 1,800 to 3,000 calories,” said Kristen Smith, a bariatric surgery dietitian at Montefiore Medical Center.
“I don’t think it promotes healthy long-term eating habits,” she added.
[...]
Ms. Brown, a theater administrator who is 5-foot-8, said she was thrilled to lose six pounds in seven days, and hopeful about reaching her goal of losing 30, which would bring her close to her ideal weight of 135. She said she did not feel hungry and did not obsess about food as she had years ago, when suffering from anorexia.
Instead, she just obsesses about her weight and starves herself, which is not the same thing at all!
See you gals on the beach!
To those among you who sometimes find yourselves is such situations, I have two words for you: 
