Apple Archive

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An Apple a day…makes your gray matter decay?

Let me preempt this post (ontological question: is something really preemptive if it’s the first sentence in an essay, or is it merely introductory? Oh well…) by assuring you that I’m not writing it from my front porch while lording over an ever-growing collection of kites, soccer balls, and frisbees as I yell at the neighborhood kids to get the hell off my lawn.

That said, here’s another assurance: your two-year-old needs an iPad about as much as you need a diaper. (Which is to say, sure, it might be a treat once in a while, but let’s not go all Lisa Nowak here, okay?)

From MSN Money the other day:

Three years ago, when he was just 2 years old, Max Fuller got his first iPhone. His father, Craig Fuller, the CEO of a banking technology company, said it’s been an “enormous tool” for teaching Max the basics about colors, shapes and letters, and most recently the names of all of the dinosaurs and how they lived.

Okay, yeah, sure — education, innovation, keep up with the times, Trevor the Troglodyte. Obviously, you’ve missed the trend train and are attempting to analyze the current state of affairs from the engine fumes-engulfed platform of your pump-action handcar:

According to data gathered from September to December 2011 by global strategic marketing agencyKids Industries, 20% of children ages 3 to 8 own their own iPod touch, while 24% of U.S. children in this age group own their own iPad and 8% own their own iPhone. For teens, the numbers are considerably higher. An April 2011 survey conducted by financial adviser firm Piper Jaffray found that 80% of U.S. teenagers owned a type of mp3 player, with the iPod by far the most common, 17% owned an iPhone (38% expected to buy one in the ensuing six months), and 29% owned or had access at home to a tablet device (and 22% said they expected to buy an iPad in the ensuing six months).

Which is all well and good for Apple investors, but perhaps not so keen for early (as in, pre-pre-pre-teen) adopters:

According to many experts, so much screen time can have permanent effects on the brain. The American Academy of Pediatrics discourages any media use by children younger than 2. Dr. David Hill, a member of American Association of Pediatrics’ Council on Communications and the Media and the author of the forthcoming book “Dad to Dad: Parenting Like a Pro,” agrees and recommends that any child over the age of 2 limit screen time to two hours a day.

“Evidence suggests that viewing the sorts of rapid fire images present in videos or video games can lead to future problems in children’s ability to concentrate,” he says, adding that some research suggests a strong link between media exposure and ADHD. He says problems are likely to surface when the device is used as a substitute for communication between parent and child.

[...]

Jane M. Healy, an educational psychologist who specializes in the effect of computer technology on growing brains and the author of “Different Learners: Identifying, Preventing and Treating Your Child’s Learning Problems,” says technology offers no benefits to young children.

“All indications are that instead of increasing their intelligence, it’s going to dull it down,” she says. What’s most important for a young child’s brain development is participating in conversation, a skill that children preoccupied with an iPad, cellphone or computer fail to practice, she says. “It’s language that will later help them become physicists, scientists and imaginative computer programmers.”

Again, this isn’t a screed against a harried parent handing their screaming toddler their touchscreen-enabled smartphone to quiet him down at the mall or in a restaurant; it’s a screed against anyone who would use such technology to outright replace time that they would have otherwise spent interacting with thetreasured fruit (Apple, in most cases) of their loins. Of course, that’s only half the issue, because while it’s one thing to let your kid use your fancy-ass future gizmo once in a while, it’s another thing entirely to give him one of his own — and not because you might spoil him (though there is that), but because you might literally and permanently reconfigure his brain chemistry for the worse.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s not like I wouldn’t have killed for the latest interactive miniaturized gadget as soon as I was old enough to start requesting Disney movies by name, but the fact that I didn’t have ready access to pre-canned digital entertainment meant that I spent most of my youth careening through the unlimited confines of that wonderously weighty buzzword, IMAGINATION.

If I’d owned an iPad, do you think I would have spent the majority of my free time running around outdoors or reading piles of books animated in proprietary HD (head-defined) ImagiVision? Shit no! I’d have been hunkered down on the couch with a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos one one side and a bottle of Cran-Raspberry juice on the other, alternating my time between the latest YouTube sensation and marathon battles spent launching  disgruntled fowl at ravenous porkers into the wee hours of the morning.

So yes, this is an “everything in moderation” rant, but I think it’s an important one. Because while it’s absolutely true that, with

an increasingly technology-focused society and economy…exposure to technology, no matter how early, will only help children develop into the tech-savvy adults the country needs[,]

it’s also true that hundreds of people die of exposure each year. (Yeah, I went there.) So, Mr. Fuller, next time you want to teach your kid about colors and letters, why not try Dr. Seuss? And if he wants to learn about dinosaurs, I bet he’d love the ones in a museum even more than the ones on the tiny screen in his hand. Because there’s always going to be time for him to get his Retina Display on, but once those vital synapses and cerebral crennelations begin to solidify, there’s literally no going back. Then it won’t matter how many apples a day you feed him.

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i(‘d)Pad your balls

See what I did there? No? Well, you will when I tell you that, according to Consumer Reports,

The new iPad gets warm…very warm.

The hot-selling device [HAHAHA! Oh LA Times...] — 3 million in its first weekend — can reach up to 116 degrees during intensive use, according to a test by the consumer magazine.  The test appears to confirm mounting consumer complaints that the new iPad runs hotter than its two predecessors.

[...]

But how hot is 116 degrees?

“During our tests, I held the new iPad in my hands. When it was at its hottest, it felt very warm but not especially uncomfortable if held for a brief period,” wrote Donna L. Tapellini of Consumer Reports.

For the record, this is 12 degrees hotter than the iPad 2 ever got. Not only that, but “not especially uncomfortable if held for a brief period” isn’t exactly glowing (HA again!) reassurance for a product that I’m guessing is rarely ever held for a “brief period.” Considering that the average jacuzzi temperature runs just over 100 degrees (and that most advertise significant health risks for temperatures or immersions times that exceed that by just a few more degrees and minutes), I’d say that 116 is pretty damn hot. Granted, you aren’t swimming in the thing, but toasted skin syndrome and toasted sperm syndrome are no laughing matter. So be safe, kids: use protection (or you just may find that you never have to again).

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If you own Apple stock you are probably pretty happy right now

And good for you, filthy capitalist swine. Enjoy the spoils while they last.

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Sometimes Apple has bad ideas, too

If rumors are to be believed,

Apple is preparing a smaller version of the iPad with an 8-inch display, according to component suppliers.

I can’t be the only one thinking that, if true, this is a redonkulous idea. What the hell sort of niche could an eight-inch iPad fill that isn’t already covered by either the current iPad or the iPhone/iPod Touch? I imagine the brainstorming session that birthed this particular rotten fruit of an idea must’ve gone a little something like this:

Apple dude 1: Hey, you know how much it already sucks to try and type on the iPad? Well, what if we made that experience even crappier with a smaller screen!

Apple dude 2: That’s brilliant! That way the new iPad could still be way more inconvenient to carry around than an iPhone, but without all the benefits of a decent-sized screen!

Then again, people will buy anything with a half-eaten translucent apple on the side, so I’m sure they’ll make millions when this turns out to be exactly what every upper-middle class yahoo didn’t realize they needed until it existed.

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And you thought that you really wanted an iPhone

Ahh, the iPhone, that indelible bastion of niche product turned necessity. Do I have one? No. Do I want one? Yes. Do I need one? Who cares. The point is, it exists, it’s shiny, and me wanna havey.

Probably not as badly as this guy though…

An NBC news crew outside the Apple store on the popular Nanjing road shopping street found hundreds milling around outside waiting for their chance at an iPhone 4S.

Chu Shanshan, a 25-year-old nurse who jubilantly walked out of the store with phone in hand said she had been waiting since midnight and had finally bought her dream product after 9 hours of waiting.
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“Yes it’s expensive. I spent a whole month’s salary to buy an iPhone 4S. It’s just so cool!” she said proudly.

Read that last sentence again: not a whole week’s salary. A whole month’s salary. Even in this economy, that’d still be a couple thousand dollars for most Americans, and we grumble about spending $200 for an iPhone with “new two-year activation.”

Fortunately, there’s no time to reflect on whether we should be proud or vaguely nauseated by our unfettered success in exporting American materialism overseas, since at this point, any exports have to be considered positive. A few more people like this next lady and goodbye trade deficit!

“Where are you from?” asked a middle-aged woman from the edge of the crowd.

“Ha! Americans must feel great to see Chinese people fighting to buy their products, right?” crowed the woman before adding, “Well I can’t blame them. Americans do make good products. Much better than ours.”

If it makes you feel any better, this website is also made in America…though I do outsource some of my blog posts.

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A $400 iPad

Okay, so it’s first generation. And yeah, it’s recertified. And sure, it’s not 3-G capable. But still: 64GB for $399.99 — t’ain’t nuttin’ ta sneeze at: http://mobile.dailysteals.com/

Don’t say Brutish&Short never gave ya nothin’.

Merry Christmas! (or whatevs)

UPDATE BY TOM: Trevor is, apparently, giving away free advertising to online merchants this holiday season. GET IT WHILE IT’S HOT!

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Whither now, Apple?

A lot has been written about Steve Jobs’s passing recently, mostly for the obvious reasons (i.e., he changed the literal face of technology as we know it, revolutionizing four established technologies four distinct times in the last decade and a half alone [iMac -> iPod -> iPhone -> iPad] while flawlessly painting competing products as technology as we knew it), but occasionally for the less obvious reasons. Gawker, in particular, has an extremely humanizing (as opposed to deifying) article pointing out that, like most great men, Jobs also had great flaws as well.

Excerpts:

Apple’s factories in China have regularly employed young teenagers and people below the legal work age of 16, made people work grueling hours, and have tried to cover all this up. That’s according to Apple’s own 2010 report about its factories in China. In 2011, Apple reported thatits child labor problem had worsened.

[...]

In the pursuit of greatness he cast aside politeness and empathy. His verbal abuse never stopped. Just last month Fortune reported about a half-hour “public humiliation” Jobs doled out to one Apple team

[...]

He has no public record of giving to charity over the years, despite the fact he became wealthy after Apple’s 1980 IPO and had accumulated an estimated $7 billion net worth by the time of his death. After closing Apple’s philanthropic programs on his return to Apple in 1997, he never reinstated them, despite the company’s gusher of profits.

But I’m not here to talk about how transcendent or degenerate Jobs was. I’m here to ask the (ironically) open question: whither now, Apple?

Last April, after the debut of the original iPad, Tim Wu of Slate wrote an keenly insightful piece demonstrating how Apple the company has come full circle, from playing the role of iconoclast rebel bucking the establishment to now leveraging its formidable influence and war chest on a near daily basis to ensure that no iconoclast rebels ever buck its establishment. As Wu posits:

perhaps the greatest story is of Apple itself, and the degree to which the iPad’s design does battle with the company’s own history and the computing legacy of its co-founder, Steve Wozniak.

[...]

Wozniak’s design was open and decentralized in ways that still define those concepts in the computing industries. The original Apple had a hood, and as with a car, the owner could open it up and get at the guts of the machine. Although it was a fully assembled device, not a kit like earlier PC products, Apple owners were encouraged to tinker with the innards of Wozniak’s machine—to soup it up, make it faster, add features. There were slots to accommodate all sorts of peripheral devices, and it was built to run a variety of software. Wozniak’s ethic of openness also extended to disclosing design specifications. In a 2006 talk at Columbia University, he put the point this way: “Everything we knew, you knew.” To point out that this is no longer Apple’s policy is to state the obvious.

[...]

Steve Jobs’ ideas have always been in tension with Wozniak’s brand of idealism and the founding principles of Apple. Jobs maintained the early, countercultural image that he and Wozniak created, but beginning with the Macintosh in the 1980s, and accelerating through the iPhone and climaxing with the iPad’s release this month, he has taken Apple on a fundamentally different track, one that is, in fact, nearly the opposite of the Wozniak vision.

[...]

Now in 2010, the iPad takes the same ideas to their logical extreme. It is a beautiful and nearly perfect machine. It is also Jobs’ final triumph, the final step in Apple’s evolution away from Wozniak and toward a closed model. The main, and most important, concession to openness is the App Store, a creation that shows Jobs learned something from Apple’s bitter defeat by Microsoft in the 1990s. You cannot run software Apple does not distribute itself. You cannot access the file system unless you hack the machine. You cannot open the hood; indeed, the machine lacks any screws…The iPad has no slots; its only interface is an Apple-specific plug. Oddly enough, this all means that the iPad is not a machine that Apple’s founders, in the 1970s, would have ever considered buying.

With Tim Cook’s official ascension to the Apple core last August and then Jobs’s death last week, one has to wonder if the company will remain true to the narrow philosophy of its original visionary tyrant or begin to chart a slightly broader course. I say “slightly,” of course, because when you finally and fully inherit a company as successful as Apple — one with such a rabid, predictable, and established consumer base — it would be stupid to completely reverse direction, regardless of how much your views differ from those of your predecessor. And we don’t even have any idea if Cook’s views do differ in any way. For all we know — because let’s face it: what the hell does anyone know about Tim Cook? — he could very well turn out to be the Generalisimo Franco of the tech world, running an even more iron-fisted regime than Jobs while establishing his own private gestap-ple security squad to enforce his every dictum.

An unlikely caricature, to be sure, matched in unlikeliness only by the possibility that Cook turns out to be Wozniak’s spiritual heir instead of Jobs’s. But don’t be surprised if Cook reveals a little Woz in him after all, if for no other reason that it is an inherent quality of all successors to want to distinguish themselves from their predecessors — the better to reap the rewards of future successes.

In Cook’s case, however, you could make the argument that he has inherited either the best or worst of both worlds, given the Daily Mail’s recent revelation that,

Despite knowing he was dying, Steve Jobs worked for more than a year on the products that he believed would safeguard the company’s future… masterminding updated versions of the iPod, iPad, iPhone and MacBooks, ensuring at least four years’ worth of products are in the pipeline, according to Apple sources.

So for the next half decade, Cook has the onus of convincing shareholders and consumers that he is the person responsible for Apple’s future blockbusters — or the blessing of being hide under the umbrella of “I was just following orders” should the fallout of failure begin to rain down upon him.

2012-2015: ???

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I Am Mildly Flabbergasted By Modern Technology

My iPod Touch is having problems. It is a second generation iPod Touch, which I was perfectly happy not knowing for as long as it didn’t have problems, but which I was forced to figure out when it came to self-prescribing a solution for said problems. I’ve had this magical device for a year and a few months. A couple days ago, I was bored and then I was like, “I guess I will go for a walk and listen to music.” So I put on my shoes and turn on my music and the left headphone on my second generation iPod Touch starts squigging out on me. All crazy in and out and bzzzt and boing and whizzzbang and whatever. And then silence. Left monitor dead.

No amount of jiggling the headphone jack would bring it back.

One of the difficulties with being relatively ignorant about the inner workings of the technologies that we use on a day-to-day basis is that when they break, we can’t fix them. This is obvious to anyone who’s ever tried to fix anything, but those numbers don’t seem to be trending upward, if I may be so bold as to make broad cultural observations without citing any sources. What I mean is that the pace of change in technology is so rapid that learning how to fix things as they’re released approaches futility: after all, why bother repairing an outdated product when you can replace it with the latest model for the same price?

This is particularly true in the case of Apple, which suggests that I send my iPod to them in exchange for a new one (for $100 and without any of my music on it, which — PROBLEM! — because the last time I updated my iTunes software, you fuckers erased like 20 albums from my library). But it’s also a simple fact of life in an age of Moore’s Law. There’s no point falling in love with a particular technology when the technology is slated for obsolescence in a couple of years.

This is all in stark contrast to the way human beings lived throughout history and up until not very long ago, when life-changing technological innovations were not multiple-times-per-decade types of events. When the VCR broke, you brought it to the VCR repair guy. When the record player needed a new needle, you went to the record player repair guy to get one. You had shoes re-soled, pants hemmed, shirts tailored and patched. Et cetera, et cetera, and get off my lawn while we’re at it, and so on… but the larger point is simple and it is this: your typical consumer product is no longer the same kind of investment it used to be. People willingly spend hundreds and thousands of dollars to get the flattest\shiniest\lightest\fastest gadget there is, and when it inevitably breaks they aren’t like, “WTF, that cost me a lot of money,” they relish the opportunity to buy an even jazzier one!

Read the rest of this entry »

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CNN Tech writes 500 words about nothing. But they use they words “Apple” and “iPhone,” so it’ll probably get one million hits.

(cross-posted on MotherBoard)

A recent article by CNN Tech blogger John Sutter makes the claim that, despite Apple’s recent release of a white iPhone 4 (and kudos to Apple, by the way, for making whites the suppressed minority for once), real Apple nerds are actually more interested in the upcoming release of, you guessed it, the iPhone 6.

Or, as Sutter puts it:

Even rumors about the yet-to-be-announced-and-possibly-non-existent iPhone 5 are growing passé.

The new topic du second: the “iPhone 6.”

He goes on to demonstrate his mock outrage by declaring,

Seriously, people? A new version of the iPhone 4 just came out. People have been talking about the iPhone 5 for — well, pretty much since right after the iPhone 4 debuted in June 2010. And now, even before the release of the iPhone 5, which is rumored to come out in September, the techies are fixated on the next-next version.

Now, I debated calling Sutter out on the fact that he doesn’t link to or a cite a single instance of this so-called iPhone 6 fixation anywhere in his post, but perhaps he assumed that it was either common knowledge or a simple Google search away. I don’t know about the former assumption, since this was news to my finely tuned tech-tenna, but the latter definitely held true. However, by not directing readers anywhere in particular on the subject, Sutter ignores the risk of getting pwned by other writers covering the same non-story — like, say, Jared Newman at PCWorld, who has written essentially the same article, but in a sharper, funnier, and more self-aware way. Not only that, but Sutter doesn’t actually link to anything in his post, which is a decided no-no in the time-sucking, hyper-threaded blogosphere we’ve come to know and dread, whose cardinal dictum is that you have failed as a blogger if a reader is capable of dead-ending at your particular post, rather than being sucked further down the rabbit hole after drinking from one of myriad linking elixirs.

But forget the lack of links. Maybe some readers will appreciate the built-in assistance it offers in ending their self-imposed-but-still-not-entirely-voluntary ethernet eXile. What they shouldn’t appreciate, however, is Sutter’s decision to write an article that could basically be reproduced every month for the next ten years and say nothing righter or wronger than what it says right now — a criticism that holds true even if the piece had been written every month for the last ten years. Which it has, since it essentially boils down to nothing more than the following five “insights” (and boy do I use that word loosely) surrounding the upcoming-once-removed iPhone 6:

  • The name: We don’t know
  • The release date: Next year
  • The screen: New
  • Thinner and lighter: Yes
  • Professional opinion: Random tech jargon emphasizing all and none of the above

And that’s it. Five hundred words to say what has been true about the impending upgrade of every smartphone in the universe since they were first introduced in the mid-90s and spurring, in turn, another 500 words criticizing said inanity.

Well done, Mr. Sutter. The blogosophere is now 1,000 words poorer than it was last week. May Jobs have mercy on our souls.