8:23 PM: I just started watching this. Michele Bachmann wants to “completely abolish the tax code,” because that will “create job growth.” YIPPEE!
8:25 PM: Perry: “1.2 million jobs could be put to work.” wat?
8:26 PM: REPEAL OBAMACARE!
8:27 PM: Rick Santorum says that income mobility is a new term, despite the fact that he’s been “using it for a long time.” I don’t know if I can do this, folks.
8:28 PM: Santorum calls out Romney for MassHealth. #onlythingMittRomneyeverdidright
8:29 PM: Shorter Mitt Romney: “STATES’ RIGHTS!”
8:30 PM: Santorum is a petulant child. #fact
8:31 PM: Newt Gingrich cites the Boston Herald. #theraptureiscoming
8:32 PM: Goodness gracious. This is a bitchfest of the highest order. I really don’t know if I can deal with this shit tonight.
8:34 PM: Bachmann: OMG EVEN THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION DOESN’T LIKE OBAMACARE!!!!
8:34 PM: Break taken. “We have a long way to go,” sez Anderson Cooper. I don’t have any booze. This is going to be a real challenge. #offtotheliquorstore
8:36 PM: The whole “not having booze” thing was a joke. Of course I have booze. Drinks.
8:37 PM: We’re back!!!!
8:39 PM: Shorter Ron Paul: “GET THE GUBBMINT OUTTA MAH MEDICARE!”
8:40 PM: Obamacare hasn’t even really gone into effect yet. How could it be a disaster already? Premiums are rising because they’ve been rising for a while. How do Republicans get away with such outright lies?
8:41 PM: Shorter Rick Perry: TEXAS. ILLEGALS. BORDER. MAGNET. JOBS. HIRE. PENALIZED. STANDING. HIRED ILLEGALS. IN YOUR HOME. “HEIGHTH” OF HYPOCRISY!
8:43 PM: Xenophobia, etc, etc.
8:44 PM: This is really the “Romney-Perry Death Match Of All Time.” It’s incredibly boring.
8:45 PM: New topic: BORDER FENCE!
8:46 PM: PROTECT THE WHITES FROM THE BROWNS – Herman Cain #ironyisdead
8:47 PM: Iranians are using drug cartels to penetrate this country. Rick Perry continues to enlighten.
8:48 PM: Obama’s aunt and uncle are illegal immigrants. Therefore, fences on all the things!
8:49 PM: ENGLISH DA OFFICIAL LANGUAGEO OF MERICA! – Michele Bachmann
8:52 PM: Why is Romney still going so hard after Perry? Perry’s dead in the water. He’s getting booed. Give it a rest, front runner.
8:55 PM: Ron Paul just made no sense. #goldstandard
8:56 PM: Rick Perry sez: “You get to ask the questions, but I get to answer the way I want to,” gets applause from the crowd. Proceeds to talk about energy policy in response to a question about the validity of the 14th Amendment. #greatdebate
8:57 PM: Michele Bachmann flirts with repealing the 14th Amendment #thatswhatthefuckiamtalkingaboutmotherfuckers
8:58 PM: The Latino family understands the traditional values of marriage and family, unlike those coloreds – Rick Santorum
9:01 PM: STATESRIGHTS SOLVES NUCLEARWASTE FUCKYEAH – Ron Paul
9:04 PM: As much as I despise Romney, I can’t really think of anyone else in the field who I’d prefer be the Republican nominee, should something as terrible as the Republican winning the presidency occur, of course.
9:05 PM: God, shut the fuck up, you idiots!
9:07 PM: Romney complains about incentives in markets when those incentives help poor people. Fails to mention all the game-rigging on behalf of the rich. #reallygettingtiredofthis
9:08 PM: HEY MOMS, WORD THE FUCK UP! – Michele Bachmann
9:10 PM: The White House caused the financial crisis in 2008 because of government. Also too economics. Or something. Fucking hippies. – Herman Cain
9:12 PM: “I work on the assumption that government’s pretty much not capable of anything.” – Ron Paul, Republican member of the federal GOVERNMENT since 1976.
9:14 PM: Commercial break achieved.
9:16 PM: A reminder that “we’ll be right back.” Excitement builds.
9:20 PM: Fucking JEEBUS. Yes, Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Salvation. Roads. Fucking Jesus.
9:21 PM: Newt Gingrich sez the Founders were hip to Jesus, ignoring, of course, that a pretty prominent one created a version of the Bible that excluded Jesus’s's’s's miracles. #thomasjefferson #alli’msaying
9:23 PM: Rick Perry: “Something about Americans understanding faith and freedom of religion and also Jesus.”
9:25 PM: I hate Michele Bachmann. I really do.
9:26 PM: Holy shit. What the fuck is she talking about? She just complained about 4 fronts in an endless war, and subsequently opened up the possibility of starting another war with Iran? And got cheers? And 100 people being deployed to Uganda is a new war? WTF is this shit?
9:28 PM: Newt Gingrich is a “cheap hawk.” Sounds about right. Except for the “cheap” part.
9:31 PM: Anderson Cooper: Would you negotiate with terrorists? Everyone on stage: My penis is this big.
9:34 PM: Ron Paul suggests cutting defense. Scattered cheers.
9: 35 PM: Q: Why the fuck we helping those poor people in other countries? A (Rick Perry): Let’s defund the UN. Audience: Cheers!
Take a drink, friend.
9:36 PM: The American political discourse is dying. Or dead. We’re all screwed, is what I’m saying.
9:37 PM: IRAQ SHOULD PAY US FOR THE FAVOR OF INVADING THEIR COUNTRY!!!!! – Michele Bachmann #really
9:39 PM: Another commercial break. Presumably the last? For my liver’s sake, at least. Please?
9:44 PM: Who can beat Barack Obama in a general election? Rick Santorum makes his case! #notaverygoodone
9:50 PM: Sorry, I got distracted by the stupid.
9:51 PM: Anderson Cooper announces that the debate is over, candidates whine, pontificate, and….?
9:52 PM: Fin!