sex Archive

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By
Trevor Macomber
– April 13, 2012

(crossposted on Motherboard)

iRobot’s line of autonomous Roomba vacuum cleaners has been extremely popular with both lazy (or, in some cases, lonely) homemakers and practical hackers alike ever since its debut in 2002. The former demographic loves its idiot-proof, Ron Popeil-esque “set it and forget it!” interface, while the latter loves its built-in array of high-tech sensors and “hackable” serial interface. In fact, programming the little vac-bot to perform non-cleaning tasks became so popular that, not only has it spawned various books and websites on the subject, it also inspired the company to relase the iRobot Create® Programmable Robot, in which the vacuum motor is replaced by an empty space for attaching whatever other instruments the user can dream up.

It really makes you wonder: What Would Rosie Do?

Not surprisingly, with the Roomba and its various companion/competitor technologies improving with each generation, local maid services have begun to realize that they might need to start stepping up their own game in order to compete in a mechanized world. Enter Texas’s own Lubbock Fantasy Maid Service, which offers “nude or topless maid services” to discerning patrons in the Lubbock area.

While most of the stories on the subject are focusing on the possible legal ramifications of this type of business operating without a “sexually oriented” permit, I think we can all agree that the more interesting angle comes on the “IMPORTANT INFORMATION!” link of Fantasy Maid’s website, where we learn that — despite being a literally half-assed idea — the company has actually thought this thing through quite a bit, to the extent that they even have a comprehensive policy for how to deal with any nudists who hire them.

To wit:

NUDIST POLICY: LFMS will provide services in the homes of nudist [sic] under certain circumstances. If the nudist answers the door nude AND has immediate family (mixed gender) present (clothed or nude) then the customer may also be nude. The relation must be provable by identification and the family members must be clearly visible upon opening the door.

As much as a publicity stunt as it is, we ought to applaud Fantasy Maid for showing that, in the coming struggle between cold, hard robots and living flesh, humans still have a chance.

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This is what humans are like (NSFW)

By
Ben Nolan
– April 3, 2012

Norms among them vary, which freaks them out.

(Should probably mention that this is a documentary about the normalization of man-donkey bestiality in northern Colombia. It’s as much about how a stand-in for hip young people from New York deals with having stuck his nose into the whole thing. It’s also about an American sex therapist who’s an expert on bestiality and zoophilia helping that New York millenial deal with having stuck his nose into the whole thing. It’s also about how every party’s attitudes and behaviour make you feel about them, yourself, and your culture, but I guess that goes without saying.)

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The Oregonian Has Always Been a Shitty Newspaper

By
Tom OHare
– March 12, 2012

Seriously. It has.

But this week, in an act of extra special shittiness, they’ve opted not to print the comic strip Doonesbury, because it deals with the wacky transvaginal ultrasound bills in Virginia and Texas, mentions the word “slut,” and, apparently, describes the procedure accurately as medically unnecessary “shaming.” And, oh yeah, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

Here’s The Oregonian’s statement:

The strips written for this week’s ‘Doonesbury’ have caused a stir all over the country. A group of editors at The Oregonian thought that author Garry Trudeau went over the line of good taste and humor with strips that were too graphic — in language and images — for the comics page.

So this week we are sending readers online to read ‘Doonesbury.’

We rarely pull strips for taste reasons, and we have resisted calls to cancel or move ‘Doonesbury,’ which ranks both as one of our most disliked and most liked strips in past comics polls.   Other papers around the country have also decided to send readers online or moved this week’s strips to other sections of the paper. Some have left them in the comics pages with warnings of their graphic nature. The strips on this week’s comics pages are substitute strips sent by Universal Press Syndicate, which handles “Doonesbury” and numerous other comics.

Read the strips online beginning today at gocomics.com/doonesbury. After you read them for a day or two, take our poll on our decision.

Cowards.

(via Steve Benen)

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Sometimes Internet coincidences are funny

By
Trevor Macomber
– March 6, 2012

Submitted without comment after scanning the headlines on MSN.com this morning:

(Okay, one comment: everyone’s picturing a robot orgy now, right? It’s not just me? Good. Phew. Worried I was a sicko for a second.)

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Valentine’s Day Tips from Brutish&Short

By
Trevor Macomber
– February 13, 2012

Well, it’s official: despite pounding Airborne and ginseng for these last few days with the rapacity of a couple of starving curs let loose in a poorly guarded Snausages factory, your humble editors here at Brutish&Short have finally succumbed to a serious case of VD fever. (That’s how people typically abbreviate “Valentine’s Day,” right?) So in order to ensure that your upcoming Cupid cupidity both begins and ends with a bang, please enjoy the following sensual suggestions from three gentleman who — and I don’t mean to brag — have rarely ever had to pay for sex in their lives.

1) You can never — I repeat, NEVER – have too much lube.

What are you going to do with all this lube?! Wrestling match? Biggest adult party ever? If you are looking for a simply jaw-dropping amount of lube, Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant is ready to get the fun started with this 55 gallon drum! With its superb formula you will have a natural feel that keeps you moist longer and also works great with all toy materials. Easily washes away with warm water and mild soap. You may never run out of lube again!

Size: 55 gallons

Note: Includes pump

Includes pump. Man, now that’s just thoughtful! Imagine the joy on your lover’s face when he or she walks into the bedroom to find this tubular beauty next to the nightstand. All I can say is, pass the ShamWow!

[Editor's note: Perhaps the best part of this product is the "Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed" information, which reveals that the sort of people who are likely to need 55 gallons of lube are also the sort of people interested in Horse Head Masks, Laptop Steering Wheel Desks, Kindle Fires (natch), Testicle Self Exam Forms, and, of course, Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tees.]

 2) A cock in the trap is worth two in the bush.

We’ve all heard of the honey trap, of course, but with this Do-All Outdoors Professional Single 3/4 Cock Trap, you can really take your gonad game to the next level. That said, I can’t say that I’m entirely smitten with this particular model. First of all, what, exactly, does a “do-all” cock trap do (besides trap cock, I mean)? Frankly, if it doesn’t also fold laundry and make milkshakes, I think it can hardly be said to “do all.”

Secondly, if you are in the market to trap cock, do you really want to do so outdoors? To me — and maybe I’m just old fashioned — but to me, cock trapping is an intimate indoor activity, undertaken with or without a loved one in the privacy of your own home. Granted, it’s nice to know that when the cock-trapping time arrives, you will be equipped to do so in a professional manner, but unaccounted-for variables such as inclement weather and peeping Toms make outdoor cock trapping a risky proposition indeed.

Thirdly, if this is merely a Single 3/4 Cock Trap, what other varieties of cock trap am I missing out on? Can I purchase a Double 3/4 cock trap for me and a friend? (A very close friend, naturally.) And what if my cock is larger than average? Must we deal only in fractions, or is integer sizing available as well?

Fifthly, while I would never begrudge anyone their God-given right to trap cock, what does the free range cock movement have to say on the subject of trapped cocks? Are they up…in arms over this innovation? Or have they come to accept that this is simply the price you pay when you’re in the sack of Big Cock?

3) A nickel for your pickle used to be a solid deal. With inflation, however, you shouldn’t accept anything less than quarter these days.

Yeah, that’s right: where do you think you put it? It’d be just like if Eduard Khil lived in your twat! (Or arse, depending on preference.)

More to come tomorrow! (wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more!)

UPDATE: Nope. Apparently not

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People all over the world

By
Trevor Macomber
– November 22, 2011

This New York Times op-ed column by Nicholas D. Kristof on the current and future sucess of global birth control is worth reading in its own right, but I figured I’d highlight perhaps its most astonishing passage, whose general fact-of-the-matter I had been more or less aware of, but which I had never seen put as precisely as this:

It took humans hundreds of thousands of years, until the year 1804, to reach the first billion [in global population]. It took another 123 years to reach two billion, in 1927. Since then, we’ve been passing these milestones like billboards along a highway. The latest billion took just a dozen years.

In 1999, the United Nations’ best projection was that the world wouldn’t pass seven billion until 2013, but we reached it two years early. Likewise, in 1999, the U.N. estimated that the world population in 2050 would be 8.9 billion, but now it projects 9.3 billion.

Hopefully, Ben’s recent anti-Malthusian optimism still applies.

 

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SEX WITH ANIMALS!!! …now that I have your attention…

By
Trevor Macomber
– November 18, 2011

We’re still going to talk about SEX WITH ANIMALS! Why? Because for some doG-forsaken reason, The Journal of Sexual Medicine has published an article aimed at investigating “the behavioral characteristics of sex with animals (SWA) and its associations with penile cancer (PC) in a case-control study.”

You can’t read past the abstract without a subscription, but really, why would you need to?

Methods.  A questionnaire about personal and sexual habits was completed in interviews of 118 PC patients and 374 controls (healthy men) recruited between 2009 and 2010 from 16 urology and oncology centers.

Main Outcome Measures.  SWA rates, geographic distribution, duration, frequency, animals involved, and behavioral habits were investigated and used to estimate the odds of SWA as a PC risk factor.

My question: who came up with this study? And which came first: the penile cancer or the sex with animals? Was someone already investigating the cancer and, after a peyote-induced brainstorm, thought to themselves, “Hey, I wonder how horse humpers [SFW] do in this area!” Or was someone already studying sex with animals and figured, “Hey, the penis is obviously a vital component in this field. Might as well see what’s going on with it cancer-wise, too!”

Regardless, the results are appropriately disturbing:

Results.  SWA was reported by 171 (34.8%) subjects, 44.9% of PC patients and 31.6% of controls (P < 0.008). The mean ages at first and last SWA episode were 13.5 years (standard deviation [SD] 4.4 years) and 17.1 years (SD 5.3 years), respectively. Subjects who reported SWA also reported more venereal diseases (P < 0.001) and sex with prostitutes (P < 0.001), and were more likely to have had more than 10 lifetime sexual partners (P < 0.001) than those who did not report SWA. SWA with a group of men was reported by 29.8% of subjects and SWA alone was reported by 70.2%. Several animals were used by 62% of subjects, and 38% always used the same animal. The frequency of SWA included single (14%), weekly or more (39.5%), and monthly episodes (15%).

I just…there’s so many…pffffffff.

Conclusion.  SWA is a risk factor for PC and may be associated with venereal diseases. New studies are required in other populations to test other possible nosological links with SWA.

Yeah, here’s a thought: who gives a rat’s ass* what diseases are contracted by pig porkers and sheep shafters? Once you start mining those particular cave systems, you take your chances.

_________________________________
*Maybe not the best idiom to use in this case.

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Tasteless Video of the Day

By
Tom OHare
– November 17, 2011

Okay, I LOL’d.

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The End of Road Head

By
Trevor Macomber
– October 14, 2011

If enacted, this technology could prove a disaster for the already troubled institute of road head.

From MSN:

Imagine that you couldn’t drive on major highways without agreeing to put a camera in your car — one that could film either the occupants or the vehicle’s surroundings and transmit the images back to a central office for inspection.

You don’t have to read George Orwell to conjure up such an ominous surveillance state. You just have to skim through filings at the U.S. Patent Office.

[...]

Kapsch TrafficCom AG, an Austrian company that just signed a 10-year contract to provide in-car transponders such as the E-Z Pass to 22 electronic highway toll collection systems around the U.S., recently filed a patent on technology to add multi-function mini-cameras to their toll gadgets. Today, transponders are in about 22 million cars around the U.S. Adding inward and outward facing cameras to the gadgets would create surveillance capabilities far beyond anything government agencies have tried until now.

Great. Like your sig. oth. needed another excuse not to accommodate you on that long, hard road trip. Kapsch TrafficCom AG: Taking the “lust” out of “wanderlust” since 2016!

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Shunninglingus

By
Trevor Macomber
– October 6, 2011

There are many ways I could introduce the following article, but my wife’s mother reads this blog occasionally, so I’m gonna let the headline speak for itself:

Oral Sex May Cause More Throat Cancer Than Smoking in Men, Researchers Say

This is not going to make women’s lib crowd happy.

The cringey deets:

Researchers examined 271 throat-tumor samples collected over 20 years ending in 2004 and found that the percentage of oral cancer linked to the human papillomavirus, or HPV, surged to 72 percent from about 16 percent, according to a report released yesterday in the Journal of Clinical Oncology. By 2020, the virus-linked throat tumors — which mostly affected men — will become more common than HPV-caused cervical cancer, the report found.

[...]

“The burden of cancer caused by HPV is going to shift from women to men in this decade,” Maura Gillison, an oncologist at Ohio State University and study senior author, said in a telephone interview. “What we believe is happening is that the number of sexual partners and exposure to HPV has risen over that same time period.”

[...]

In a 2007 epidemiology study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, Gillison and her colleagues found that having a high number of oral or vaginal sex partners are risk factors for HPV-associated throat cancer. The cancer may also be spread by open-mouth kissing, Gillison said in the interview.

“Nobody paid attention to oral HPV infections until 2007,” she said. “We are about 15 years behind in the research” compared with the data on cervical cancer and HPV, she said.

An editorial accompanying the study concluded that trials to see whether vaccines prevent oral cancer “are needed, given that prevention through vaccination will almost certainly be the ultimate solution” to HPV-positive oral cancers.

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