Featured
7

Eulogy for a website

We get spam!

Hi Brutishandshort.Com Team,

I thought you might like to know some of the reasons why you are not getting enough organic & social media traffic on your website.

I would like to update you that your website is still not ranked on the top pages of Google SERPs for your popular keywords (Products). Your loss is your competitor’s gain i.e. the traffic which could have generated quality sales for you goes to your competitors as they rank well in the Search Engine Result Pages (SERPs) organically.

Reasons:

1. HTML and other on-page errors are present on your website.
2. Low number of internal and external quality links present on your website.
3. Duplicate or low quality contents present in your website without any regular update.
4. Need to update fresh contents on your website and blogs as per the latest Google guideline.
5. Broken Links and Poison words might be present in your website.
6. Social media profile needs to be updated regularly.

Long gone are the days when Google used to give priority to websites of keyword based domains or websites with huge number of links. Now Google counts each and every detail to verify if your website is relevant to the keywords you are promoting for. A single un-wanted link or a duplicate content can lead your website to be penalized by Google.

We are a leading website promotion company providing online promotion, SMO, Reputation Management, Content (both web and promotional content) fixing services to clients. We have a team of 240+ SEO professional working 24*7. Our team of dedicated Google Analytic and Adwords certified professionals excel in promoting and increasing the visibility of a website in various search engines (including the latest Google Panda and Penguin updates), which will directly help in increasing traffics for your website.

Unlike other SEO companies we do not believe in talking rather we believe in delivering what we promise to our clients. We provide guaranteed services or money back-guarantee to all our clients who consider working with us.

If you are getting rigid by paying a huge amount in PPC then Organic listing by using white hat technique will be definitely a right choice for you. As the rate of conversion is more in organic listing as compared to PPC, eventually it will be an absolute gain for you.

This email just tells you the fraction of things we do, our optimization process involves many other technical factors which can be sent to you on your request. If you would like to know more about our services then please write us back else you can give us a call us in our number below.

P.S: – This is our marketing strategy that we use the Gmail account. Once you reply us back, the next communication I will do is from my corporate email ID.

Let me know your thoughts and looking forward to work together.

Best Regards,
Justin Taylor|Senior SEO Advisor
PH. No: (217) 650-7095
Skype: justintaylor888

I encourage you all to call Justin Taylor and ask him about his business model!

My reply:

Holy fucking shit, Justin Taylor. Thank you for your thorough assessment of our webpage.com, which we have clearly been utilizing to gain the highest SEO profile possible in order to sell what you rightly noted as our most popular product, namely “Product.” (Really, thank you for telling us about “product.” The concept, I think, is revolutionary in its simplicity. I don’t believe anyone has ever thought of this before possibly ever, and I would like you to know that you’ve helped clarify my thinking in this regard.)

One of the many ways in which we have been attempting to monetize our content is via a relatively new online strategy we like to call, “stopping on the doing of the website pretty much forever.” So far, it has been either incredibly worthwhile or manifestly unsound. On the one hand, we get to not do the website anymore. On the other hand, not doing the website is kind of sad because when we were doing it we were really going for it, and that was fun. That was fun, Justin Taylor, but I just don’t think that any of us have the time right now to do the website thing. And that means, unfortunately and alas, Justin Taylor, that we simply can’t, in good faith, take you up on your generous offer to work with us to improve our SEO profile, because the brutal truth of the matter, Justin Taylor, is that we simply haven’t cared for a while and the website, well the website, there’s that, and it’s kind of a done deal.

As someone who cold calls on the regular, I wish you the very best, but — word of advice? Take your Skype out of your email signature. A bit too much, Justin Taylor. Just a bit too much.

Best wishes,

Tom O’Hare

[Many titles]

Please consider this a eulogy for B&S. There’s a possibility we’ll revive the site, but for the moment we’re all involved in the real world a bit too much to keep this shit updated. We understand that this speaks volumes about our laziness and our lack of motivation. We don’t care. We heart you, and we’ll miss you always — or at least until we start this bad boy up again.

With love and squalor,

~Tom (and Trevor and Ben)

0

What in the ever living fuck were we drinking?

This comes from my old house. I have no idea how a former roommate of mine found it, but suffice it to say, I’m getting tested for Ebola tomorrow.

watch?v=c35pcqwxM9o

0

We Still Get Spam, Even Though We Stopped Writing This Thing Years Ago

Hi. This is the story of spam and how we still get it. Let’s start with Donald, who reached out to us yesterday by email.

Hi  Brutishandshort  Team,
Greetings, you might have the best designed site in the world, it might be the easiest to navigate on the web, but if  your ‘s [SIC] has no visitors, what’s the point? You need traffic  to survive, and the right kind of traffic.
A successful online company [SIC] needs to have a good rank in the search engines; if you want to have a regular  flow of new customers then you need to get higher in the search engines than your competitors [SIC] for particular keywords relating to your business [SIC]. Why your competitors [SIC] are more successful than you. [All sorts of SIC]
We are search experts and offer comprehensive services that really do turn search into sales [SIC]:
•        Market and Competitor [SIC] Analysis
•        On-site Optimization and Content Development
•        Link building and off-site optimization
•        Campaign tracking and reporting
•        Online Reputation Management
•        Brand [SIC] Management
Mail us and get answers to all your queries.
We are the largest and most trusted online marketing company with a team size of 100+ SEO professionals working 24X7 through the year that provides highly effective and aggressive internet marketing SEO solutions for companies [SIC] that need to see results quickly and ethically.
We focused on one thing: getting you traffic that makes you money [SIC]. “We’re the people who line up people to your site”. We believe in delivering, what most SEO companies promise but never deliver. [SIC]
Our clients consistently tell us that their customers find them because they are at the top of the Google search rankings. Being at the top left of Google (#1- #3 organic positions) is the best thing you can do for your company’s Website Traffic and Online Reputation. [SIC]
Best Regards,
Donald Jackson
Sales SEO Advisor
PH. No–9040014050
To which I responded this morning:
Wow, Donald, this sounds spectacular. Could you please send me more details about the services you offer?

Thanks,
Tom
The sarcasm was not detected. Next “Matthew Malin” replied, and signed as Donald.
Hello Tom,
Thanks for showing interest in our services!

For more details visit: http://www.richasoftwaresolutions.com/

For more details about our pricing, please visit@ http://www.richasoftwaresolutions.com/seo-packege.html
I congratulate you till date for your good business. However, as a best SEO team, we will like to have the opportunity to enhance your business more.
Our Service can fetch you:
  • Technically sound and handsome website.
  • First page ranking for the potential keywords which can drag real traffics visitors to your website.
  • Natural links from good and relevant sites which will help you to gain referral traffics.
  • Potential traffic on the targeted landing page.
  • Strong social media presence.
  • Improve your Branding.
Salient feature of our company:

Weekly/Biweekly reporting - The reporting done in the initial phase of the campaign is done again at regular intervals, post-optimization. Rankings, site traffic and other key metrics can then be compared to pre-optimization levels, giving measurable results to the SEO campaign.
No contract/ locking Period- I would recommend to use our services for 30 days, and once the campaign get completed my team will suggest you the road-map for next month. Considering our services quality/improvements/feedback we give you the flexibility to upgrade/downgrade/terminate the campaign. Hope our transparent and white hat policy will enable you to move forward with us.
I would appreciate more queries from your end. Looking forward to your email.
Best Regards,
Donald Jackson
Sales SEO Advisor
DID YOU NOTICE THAT HIS PHONE NUMBER CHANGED? BECAUSE SO DID I! ALSO, HIS NAME!
Trevor responded to “Donald” thusly:
I have to admit, I’m very concerned. This most recent email says it’s from “Matthew Malin,” but it’s signed by “Donald Jackson.”

Donald, are you and Matthew the same person? Perhaps some sort of witness protection thing? Or maybe a simple DBA, given that you’re in the business of business, and DBAs are very hot in business right now?
I felt comfortable with Donald, but I’m not sure about Matthew. To be honest, I’m worried something has happened to you, Donald, and there is some sort of larger shadow game going on in which my fellow co-editors and I are only pawns. Can you please confirm that you are still alive and well and that this Matthew character has a perfectly legitimate explanation for his existence?
Thanks,
Trevor
Which was perfect. “Donald” actually responded!
Hello Trevor,
Thanks for writing back to me.

Let me inform you that,Mr. Matthew Malin is the Marketing manager of my Department that’s why this corporate email Id lies in his name where as I’m Donald Jackson, the sales engineer in this company.

I believe no words can explane the persons identity rather than trust. I am sure unless and until you work with us for a month you won’t be able to judge us. No References are going to build your trust. It’s you who needs to give a go with us so that we can prove our words. Ultimate, result will be you will be patting yourself for choosing right SEO partner I assure.Please let me know if you’ve any further questions, so that we can proceed further.


Best Regards,
Donald Jackson
Sales SEO Advisor

PH. No–+1 (909) 206-6191

Which is too full of SIC for me to point it out. I decided to graciously put “Donald” out of his misery.
Hi there, Donald (if that is your real name),

Though I didn’t notice it at first, since I was at work, I must echo my fellow editor’s concerns, no matter how much you’ve tried to allay them. I’m uncertain as to why you wouldn’t have your own email address at richasoftwaresolutions.com. It seems a bit antiquated to have a shared email account for a company that specializes in software solutions.
That said, your explanation makes sense, and I’m willing to accept it.
I note with some chagrin, however, that the area code in your phone number covers San Bernardino County, and not Silicon Valley. This I could overlook if I hadn’t Googled you (a phrase that originated in Silicon Valley) and found your company’s Facebook page (Facebook, too, is based in Silicon Valley), where I read the following from one of your customers:
“We’ve been trying to communicate with Richa Software Solutions over a accidental charge to our account of nearly $400. After agreeing to refund us, they simply started ignoring us. The money is still not in our account after over a month of disputes. We simply want to resolve this issue!! Please contact us ASAP at info@obsezz.com.”
This, I must say, especially as someone who works in Sales and Account Management for a living, does not strike me as the hallmark of good Account Management. Even the smallest clients must be treated with the utmost respect, for without them, you will never gain the big ones. Just as a baby Great White Shark eats Minnows in its infancy so that it may grow to eat Sea Lions and Polar Bears, so too must the Sales SEO Advisor navigate the waters of Obsezz.coms in order to land the HuffingtonPosts as it matures. I am truly disappointed to see this criticism leveled at you on your own Facebook page (again, based in Silicon Valley) without so much as a contrite response.
All of that said, I believe we will forego your services for the time being. I hope you take this as a learning experience, and I wish you God’s Good Graces and Many Cheerful Afternoons.
Warm Regards,
Tom, Editor-in-Chief
Ben noted the obvious:

We just let tom call himself editor in chief. Regardless, i support his position.

Ben
Editor in chief

The end. Thanks anyway, “Donald.”

0

Is it good?

Happy birthday to me.

1

Liveblogging a Political Shitshow

8:57 PM: I honestly do not care about any of this. Why am I watching CNN again? Oh, right. I’m at a Hampton Inn in Pennsylvania. This is absurd.

8:59 PM: I already hate this and it hasn’t even begun. Maybe I should just stick to Twitter. Less responsibility.

9:01 PM: Squiggly lines at the bottom of the screen on CNN. They represent undecided voters. Exciting!

9:02 PM: Twitter’s blowing up, y’all. Gonna set some records, I think.

9:04 PM: Can’t wait for some #zingers

9:06 PM: “I don’t particularly care for Negroes.” #romneyzingers

9:07 PM: FIVE POINT PLAN FOR JOBS RAWR

9:08 PM: “Trickle down government.” #romneyzingers

Seriously, people get paid to come up with that shit?

9:11 PM: “I’ll call it the economy tax.” #romneyzingers #goodone

9:13 PM: “By the way, I like coal.” #romneyzingers

9:17 PM: I am really glad that it is not my responsibility to #factcheck this debate.

9:18 PM: There are squiggles at the bottom of the page, which apparently represent independent, undecided voters “opinions” or something, as they watch the debate. I do not care enough to pay attention to what these neanderthals are thinking. This is theater.

9:24 PM: I hate this. Interpret “this” however you wish.

9:25 PM: “I think I get the last word.” #romneyzingers

9:26 PM: “My plan is not like anything that’s been tried before.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhaha. Ha. ha. #romneyzingers

9:26 PM: “You each have two minutes on this.” #lehrerzingers

9:27 PM: “Obamacare!” #drink (If you’re into that sort of thing)

9:31 PM: Jim Lehrer is such a fucking wanker.

9:38 PM: All done. This is terrible in every way. GOOD NIGHT, AMERICA!

1

Liveblogging the RNC/Considering Gouging My Eyes Out cont’d

8:55 PM: Some dude is talking about something. Ed makes the good point that lots of these people are probably drunk. So keep that in mind when the rounds of applause do or do not materialize. They aren’t coming for this guy, because no one knows who he is.

8:57 PM: UN-IN-SPIR-ING. This is like the Stones deliberately making their openers sound shitty so that they sound that much better by comparison. The Republicans must REEEEALLY know Romney’s not going to inspire.

8:58 PM: Attack ad on Obama. How many minutes will it last? Okay one and a half or so. Now it’s time for the founder of Staples to speak! Ohmigod, the founder of Staples! This is Must See TeeVee, people!

9:01 PM: Solyndra!

9:02 PM: The nerve of the President to demonize Bain Capital! The nerve!

cont’d: Mitt Romney created jobs?

9:02-9:11 PM: Okay, so Staples guy said “They just don’t get it!” over and over again (re: Preznit Obamma and co., natch), there was a stupid video about how Bain Capital saved some steel company. Then some “small business owner” (Cuban emigre from Florida — strategic!), and then there was another video about Romney saving the Olympics and really being a good guy. Now here’s Kerry Murphy Healey, former Lt. Governor of Massachusetts. She’s saying stuff. It’s actually 9:14 now.

9:14 PM: I don’t know if I can watch this anymore.

9:15 PM: Mitt Romney was a really great governor in Massachusetts. Once more, in keeping with the theme of discussing his record as governor for this Republican National Convention, his healthcare overhaul is not mentioned.

9:17 PM: When someone died in a tunnel accident, Mitt Romney went in there with his Super Sperm and fixed that motherfucker right up! And that’s what he’s gonna do when he’s in the White House! This is rather awkward for me! I feel slightly uncomfortable up here!

9:19 PM: America, I know you’re skeptical, and I know you have good reason to be because Mitt Romney is as slippery as a pork chop, but Mitt Romney is a hell of a guy. Okay? Okay, I’m done here. Thanks.

[Promo ad about his record as governor of Massachusetts. I eagerly await the part about his revolutionary healthcare plan!]

9:21 PM: This is the night Mitt Romney’s campaign decided to run on his record as a sleazeball at Bain Capital and a governor whose most notable achievement during his tenure was a healthcare overhaul, an overhaul modeled on the national level by President Obama and which Romney is now directly running against. Crazy like a fox!

9:25 PM: Holy fuck, this is so boring. So, so boring.

9:27 PM: Taylor Hicks is singing a song. The Republicans are tapping into the American psyche SO HARD RIGHT NOW! Yes!

9:28 PM: Hey, there’s a sign for Guam. Pop quiz, hot shot: Which ocean is Guam in? No cheating!

9:29 PM: Sweet bridge, Taylor Hicks’s band. Oh shit, now we’re gettin’ down. Harmonica solo! White people trying to keep rhythm in the crowd with their hand claps! This is so… I don’t know. White?

9:31 PM: What the fuck is this? Kim Rhode? She shoots skeet at the Olympics and wins gold medals for America?

9:33 PM: There are now some white Olympians being brought out onstage. Holy shit, Scott Hamilton is a fucking Republican? I thought he was gay?

9:35 PM: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

9:36 PM: Sports is like politics, and I needed to get back on target, and now we need Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan to take aim and fix the country and achieve dreams just like we did at the Olympics. Or something. Okay, bye!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

9:37 PM: Another asshole to talk about the Olympics. All the Olympians are still up there. Jesus Christ, they are really milking the shit out of this one, aren’t they?

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

brb…

9:46 PM: Musical Interlude Featuring Black Guy with Black Women’s Chorus: The Romney campaign has evidently decided that polling at 0% among the African-American population is Not So Good For The Public Image. This is their solution. Canny.

9:50 PM: Nothing better than a song that ends, “Americaaaahh!” Nothing.

9:51 PM: Weird cover by some sad white person wedding band of Get Ready by The Temptations. Really weird.

[Another promo ad about the Olympics. This is beating a dead horse into a patty, rolling it back up into a ball, fashioning that ball into the shape of a horse, and then beating it again. And now Ann's MS diagnosis. Whoa, buddy, your wife trusts you? You're so unique! You can't explain love? You're just like me! Love is so magical, isn't it? Our family is really nice. One of our sons is named Tagg! Etc, etc.]

10:03 PM: Clint Eastwood? Clint Eastwood. Enough said.

10:05 PM: “Oprah was crying.” Laugh line. Silly black people crying, like black people have any reason to feel happy about a black President. Hahaha. Hehe.

10:06 PM: Is Clint Eastwood drunk?

10:07 PM: In which Clint Eastwood suggests that trying people for their crimes is unAmerican and receives applause from the crowd.

10:08 PM: In which Clint Eastwood suggests that it’s Barack Obama’s fault that America was involved in two land wars when he took office.

10:09 PM: In which Clint Eastwood suggests that Joe Biden is unqualified to be Vice President, forgetting his own party’s nominee for the position the last time around, never mind this time.

10:11 PM: In which Clint Eastwood suggests that driving in an armored motorcade is unreasonable for a black President to do if he is to be a true environmentalist, receives laughs.

10:12 PM: In which Clint Eastwood tells us we’re the best.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

10:14 PM: In which Clint Eastwood is prompted by a plant in the audience to end his speech with “Go ahead, make my day,” and does so. Such spontaneity!

10:15 PM: Marco Rubio brought in to shore up the Cuban vote in Florida — not doing so well with the old folks and the coupons and the Paul Ryan “Medicare,” eh, Republicans?

10:18 PM: Fucking blah blah blah, government’s never done anything, that’s why I’m a politician telling you to vote for another politician to serve in the government, because logic and reason, and also Obama is a bad president, not like Mitt Romney.

10:20 PM: New regulations don’t move us forward! They move us backward! They failed us every time! Don’t you remember all that failing that happened before we deregulated the financial industry? DON’T YOU?!

10:22 PM: Freedom, lies about basic 9th grade American history, Almighty God, etc.

10:25 PM: “Your savings and investments are wiped out and your house is worth less than your mortgage. You know whose fault that is? It’s Obama’s! Hahahaha, I can’t believe I can actually get away with saying that to you idiots, hahahaha!”

10:27 PM: Bootstraps!

10:30 PM: Please stop now. I just want to see Mitt Romney crash and burn.

10:33 PM: Romney shakes hands, looks incredibly awkward. Yes.

10:34 PM: Shakin hands and lookin awkward! Continues! Romney’s wife looks worried, Paul Ryan & co. look like they’re tired of clapping. Lots of “Thank yous,” and then an “Ow, ow, ow, don’t touch me!” That was weird. Okay, he’s taking to the stage, time to get down to business.

10:35 PM: TELEPROMPTERS!!!!!!!!

10:37 PM: Paul Ryan’s pretty great, amirite? God, I hope I’m right. iPod joke!

10:39 PM: Freedom. Freedom. Freedom! Paul Ryan’s wife looks exceptionally bored.

10:40 PM: Obligatory Castro reference: Dropped.

10:42 PM: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

10:42 PM: When you lost the job that paid well and had benefits, you took two jobs with no benefits, because you’re American, and that’s good! You work hard! But that’s not right, because you pay a lot for gas! WTF Obama?

10:46 PM: Detroit, what what!

10:50 PM: I am Mitt Romney and I am re-hashing everything that everyone else has already said about me, because I have absolutely no personality myself to display and this is just how we’ve decided to do things for this convention, okay?

10:52 PM: “Gotta love the Moms out there! Love ya! Ladies, vote for me! I don’t hate your ladyparts that much.”

10:54 PM: Mitt Romney asks if I feel as hopey changey today as I did on Election Day about Barack Obama? Honest answer: compared to you, I feel like he is the second coming of Christ.

10:56 PM: You know when you go to the mall and you see Staples and Sports Authority? I MADE THOSE COMPANIES HAPPEN, BOO YEAH!

10:59 PM: Dear Mitt Romney, you forgot to mention George W. Bush when you were discussing the recent Presidents who couldn’t tell the American people that their lives were better “now” than they were when they took office. I just thought you should know.

11:01 PM: Gasoline prices have doubled since Obama took office? Could’ve fooled me.

11:02 PM: The crowd boos China. Boos cutting the military-industrial complex. Boos RomneyObamacare.

11:03 PM: Romney has a plan to create 12 million new jobs. We’re going to do the Census every year, motherfuckers!

11:04 PM: Five point plan: 1) Energy Independence! 2) Every student gets a chance! 3) No more cheating in trade! 4) Cut the deficit and put America on track to a balanced budget without harming job creators! 5) Reduce taxes on businesses and repealing Obamacare!

= 12 million jobs!!!

11:06 PM: I won’t raise taxes on the middle class in America; I’ll simply destroy it. Oh, and I won’t let fags get married or babies get aborted.

11:07 PM: Apparently we won the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Funny, that.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

11:09 PM: Look, I know Obama killed Osama bin Laden and all, but have you thought about how scary Iran is? ANYONE GAME FOR ANOTHER WAR?

11:11 PM: Call and response time. Fucking kill me now.

11:14 PM: It’s over. Thank God. It is finally, finally over. Time to wave awkwardly and wait for Paul Ryan to — here he is! And here are some balloons! And some wives! More balloons for the ladies! Confetti! Children of Super Sperm! White children and families! American families!

If you’ve gotten this far, you’re crazy, so I’ll reward you with this: “Fear of a Black President” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Go read it and learn something about the country or something. It’s kind of a slap in the face to the closing of the RNC with “America the Beautiful,” that much I’ll say. Oh, and it has the benefit of being itself beautiful.

Obama 2012, baby.

1

Liveblogging the Republican National Convention cont’d

Why, oh why, am I doing this to myself?

10:11 PM: Condoleezza Rice is talking about America and how great everything is, and about how she prevented a second 9/11. Yay! Dead Iraqis!

10:13 PM: “BTW, I was the Secretary of State, you know. When all those Iraqis and people Over There got killed By Us. Remember that? Woohoo!”

10:14 PM:  This country is free as fuck and we need to be the most powerful and when Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan rob you blind, that’s exactly what’s gonna happen! God bless America!

Applause.

Some governor is speaking, and it’s important because she’s Hispanic and a woman and also a Republican. And she’s going to win over the… wait, she just said something in Spanish. This is weird.

10:17 PM: “My Dad gave me a gun and I know how to use it, motherfucker!” Raucous applause.

10:18 PM: My parents built all that shit they built with no help from anyone not even Jesus. Oh wait, probably Jesus. But we’ll get to that later, I’m sure.

10:19 PM: I prosecuted child molesters, and I kicked my old boss’s ass in an election. Suck on this!

10:20 PM: I used to be a Democrat. Then I went to lunch with two Republicans. And we talked about issues. And I was like, “Holy shit, if I just sell my soul, I’m gonna be fucking rich as shit.” And I’ll be damned.

10:22 PM: We turned a deficit into a surplus without raising taxes because taxes are for the gheys.

10:23 PM: “They haven’t passed a budget in Washington DC in THREE YEARS.” Boos from the crowd. Do any of these creamsicles in the audience even follow fucking politics at all? Do they even read headlines?

10:23 PM cont’d: Little girls run up to me at the mall and give me a hug, and sometimes I’m like, “Whoa, if I were still prosecuting child molesters, would I prosecute myself?’ And then we all cry and talk about the promise of America.

10:24 PM: Something in Spanish. Everyone in the hall pretends to understand. Applause.

[Promo of Mitt Romney, leading into Paul Ryan's speech. Oh, dear God. I cannot wait.]

10:26 PM: They’re playing a song that’s ALMOST “The Boys are Back in Town,” but not quite.

10:27 PM: People are really fucking pumped in this convention center for Paul Ryan.

10:28 PM: This speech is really, really boring so far. C’mon, Ryan, my boy. Step up your game!

10:29 PM: I don’t get how you can say, “Fear and division are all they have left” about your opponent while you’re simultaneously attacking them without the head asplode!

10:30 PM: Paul Ryan introduces his family. Four children! Super sperm!

10:31 PM: I like to think my Dad would be proud of me. I’m proud of him. And I’m proud of Wisconsin. Blam! Segued the shit out of that one, didn’t I?

10:32 PM: “When Governor Romney asked me to join the ticket, I said ‘Let’s get this done’! And that’s exactly what we’re going to do!” Get ‘er done! Oh yeah!!!

10:33 PM: We’re about to lose a big GM factory in Wisconsin. Granted, my party wanted the US Government to allow the auto industry to implode on itself, but still, guys, some of my high school buddies who I haven’t spoken to in years worked there. They’re bummed! Aren’t you?

10:35 PM: STIMULUS! BOO HISS! SOLYNDRA! “What did taxpayers get out of the stimulus?” NOT A DEPRESSION, THAT’S WHAT, BUDDY!

10:36 PM: Boos to the healthcare plan that Obama copied from Mitt Romney’s plan in Massachusetts. Raucous applause. The cognitive dissonance is strong in this crowd.

10:38 PM: Repeal Obamacare! Yay! He hates old people! Yer all gonna die! (“Meanwhile, I would like to replace Medicare with a system of coupons for old people, and when they run out, they die! Whoops, forgot to mention that part!)

10:40 PM: Paul Ryan just suggested that Obamacare be the centerpiece of a political fight for the next couple of months. I think the Republicans have lost their fucking minds.

10:41 PM: Our national credit rating was downgraded because my party is filled with belligerent manchildren. Let’s boo Obama for that!

10:43 PM: They’re applauding for something now. Leadership or some such, I think. It doesn’t matter.

10:44 PM: Isn’t it about time Obama finished correcting the gigantic fuckups George W. Bush caused in eight years? I mean it’s not like there were two wars and an economic collapse, people.

10:45 PM: I am going to make up numbers. And I’m going to congratulate the Catfood Commission for suggesting a sensible plan to starve old and poor people to death in order to solve our debt problems.

10:48 PM: My mom was pretty cool when she rode a bus and started a small business after my dad died. And you know what? My mom is my role model. Because, hey, guys, we are really not doing so well with the ladies in the polls, ya feel me?

10:50 PM: We’ll keep federal spending at 20% of GDP or less. Because that is enough, and we are insane, and we want all you peons to suffer while we live the high life.

10:51 PM: Mitt Romney has foreign policy credentials, because I told you so, that’s why! And he’ll be on our side! Rah rah rah!

10:52 PM: U-S-A! chant erupts briefly.

10:53 PM: Jesus Christ, when is this fucking thing going to end?

10:54 PM: Wait, so “if you’re feeling left out and left behind, you have not failed, your leaders have failed you”? But if you succeed, your leaders have not succeeded, it was you pulling yourself up by your bootstraps? This makes no sense.

10:55 PM: Something something something central planning bad. APPLAUSE!

10:56 PM: Mitt Romney likes old people music. Laughs! My play list is hip: AC/DC and Zeppelin, baby! Rock and roll, fellow Republicans! Rock and fucking roll!

10:57 PM: Mitt and me grew up in the Heartland. WHERE DID BARACK OBAMA GROW UP, HMMMMMM?

10:58 PM: Mitt Romney was a great governor in Massachusetts! I WILL STUDIOUSLY NOT MENTION THAT WHOLE HEALTHCARE THING, HAHA HEHEHE!

10:59 PM: Mitt Romney believes in God and marriage. The magical underpants? They don’t matter, trust me, I’ve seen them.

11:00 PM: “The truest measure of any society is how it treats those who can’t defend or care for themselves, which is why I’m going to gut the social safety net.”

11:01 PM: “Our rights are from nature and God, and not from government!” Except for those ones that are in that thing, I dunno, that thing that enumerates them. What’s that called again?

11:02 PM: I’M GOING TO SHOUT SOME SLOGANEERING ABOUT GETTING ‘ER DONE, YOU ALL STAND UP AND CHEER, C’MON NOW! CHEER LOUDER! C’MON! AW YEAH, THAT’S NICE. OKAY, GOODNIGHT AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL, WHICH INCLUDES AMERICA, BUT I DIDN’T SAY THAT, SHIT WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT? FUCK I FORGET, IT’S FINE, IT’S PROBABLY FINE, I’M JUST WAITING FOR THE WIFE AND KID–OOP HERE THEY ARE, OKAY NOW LET’S EMBRACE AND WAVE AND WALK OFF THE STAGE AND… Jesus Christ, that was a nightmare.

0

I Guess I’ll Live Blog Some RNC Speechifying

It’s almost 10:00. Some dude who is a former Congressman from Alabama is blaming Obama for the economic crisis. Mitt Romney will fix this.

9:54 PM: “Independents, government spending is bad, Occupy Wall Street demonized success, what can we say about a house that doesn’t honor the pictures on its walls?” [Last phrase an actual quote.]

9:54 PM cont’d: “The Democrats passed a bill that we don’t like when we didn’t control the House. Wah.”

9:55 PM: “Something something, great athletes are like America and it needs to be a champion and it’s absorbed blows but we bend, we do not break, something something, remember who we are [white], God bless you!”

Applause.

Nikki Haley time!

9:57 PM: My Indian parents kicked ass! President Obama, you’re a jerk!

9:58 PM: South Carolina rules! We build tires!

9:59 PM: I don’t even understand what she’s talking about. Securing borders? South Carolina is a border state?

10:00 PM: BIG APPLAUSE FOR A POLL TAX VOTER-ID LAW!

10:01 PM: President Obama SUED a corporation! What kind of AMERICAN is he? Not a real one!

10:01 PM: We build tires and airplanes with non-union labor in South Carolina. Applause! APPLAUSE!

10:04 PM: Mitt Romney did a bunch of stuff that was great in Massachusetts except for healthcare, which I will conveniently pretend was never passed under his governorship. Now here’s Ann Romney.

10:04 PM: Wait, I thought Ann Romney was coming out. Nikki Haley is still talking. Why? Oh right, “Ann Romney is an inspiration to the nation.” Tepid applause.

10:06 PM: We deserve a President who will give corporations more power. God bless America. Rah rah rah.

Fuck, the First Lady of Puerto Rico? They don’t even get electoral votes!

They’re really talking up Ann Romney. She’d better deliver.

Oh, shit she’s on. Future First Lady, Ann Romney, people!

10:11 PM: Hurricane update: “Let’s hope that no life is lost. And that no property is lost.” Actual quote.

10:12 PM: We’re gonna talk about hearts, and American families — I mean, THE American family — oh, and we’re going to talk about love. Oh shit, it’s going to be her love for Mitt and the love so deep that only a mother can fathom it for our children and the love we share for Americans, brothers and sisters in difficult times. They’re among us in this hall! Americans! Loving! Mortgages! Rent! Single Dad!

Wait I thought we were gonna talk about love?

10:14 PM: Ann Romney knows a lot of us guys! It’s hard to get ahead now! She gets it! People just can’t get ahead!

10:15 PM: We’re the mothers! We’re the wives! We are all that the patriarchy defines us as, aren’t we?

Applause.

This is seriously the lamest speech I’ve ever seen to court the ladyfolks’ vote.

10:17 PM: Everything has become harder for ladies! And it’s all because of President Obama!

10:18 PM: “He made me laugh,” Ann Romney said of her husband Mitt. And I laughed.

10:20 PM: “We got married at 20! It was awesome! We slummed it for a while in a basement apartment! Cool!”

10:21 PM: “Five sons! Mitt’s a stud!”

10:23 PM: My husband Mitt Romney will work harder than that black man Obama who is black and wants to make welfare easier for black people to get which, while a lie, is enough of a coded message that I know you people realize I’m implying black people are lazy, right?

10:26 PM: Mitt works really hard. His company is awesome. And my children are going to be rich as fuck, unlike yours, remember?

10:27 PM: The reason that Mitt doesn’t talk about how he’s helped other people is because he is so humble, not because he has never actually helped anyone to become anything other than unemployed.

10:28 PM: We’re launching dreams up in this shit, aiight? Olympics! Massachusetts had a low unemployment rate and a a great public education program under Mitt! Did I forget to mention that healthcare thing again? WHOOPSIE!

10:30 PM: We’re lifting up America up in this shit, aiight? AND HE, MY HUSBAND, MITT ROMNEY — HE REALLY, ACTUALLY MAKES ME LAUGH, PEOPLE! I KNOW I’VE SAID THIS A FEW TIMES ALREADY, BUT ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING MY MESSAGE WHICH IS THAT, THOUGH HE COMES ACROSS AS A CARDBOARD CUTOUT IN A FANCY SUIT, HE REALLY DOES HAVE A PERSONALITY AND IS NOT, IN ACTUAL FACT, MADE OF RECYCLED FIBER?

10:32 PM: Mitt Romney comes onstage and hugs his wife. Waves. Cue “My Girl,” and Mitt Romney’s mysterious disappearance into some Mormon sex cave backstage.

For fuck’s sake, now it’s Chris Christie? Jesus.

“Hi I’m Chris Christie and I blocked a tunnel to New York from being built because I’m a prick.” This is what I’m getting from the promo video anyway. It’s too long by half. How long is this thing going to take?

10:35 PM: Enter stage back.

10:35-36 PM: Whaddya gonna do? I’m from Jersey.

10:36 PM: “My mom was awesome,” says Chris Christie. Might the Republican messaging machine realize they have a “woman” problem on their hands with all the “rapey” stuff of late?

Aside: It’s hot in the city right now.

10:38 PM: I’ve been married for 26 years, and I’ve got four kids! Super sperm! Super sperm fighting for your principles, just like mom told it to!

10:40 PM: Founding Fathers! Just say No!

10:41 PM: Tonight we say, “Enough!” And, “We’re going to do what is right and is necessary to make America great again!”

10:42 PM: “Tonight, we’re going to choose respect over love!” Ann Romney is the hippy. Chris Christie is the greaser. #probingRNCanalysis

10:43 PM: I CUT TAXES AND BALANCED BUDGETS AFTER THREE YEARS AND IT WAS ALL ME AND THERE WAS NO HELP FROM THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AT ALL!

10:44 PM: Mitt Romney is seated in the crowd next to Ann, per a crowd shot from the camera crew. They have returned from the Mormon sex cave backstage, having conceived another heir to their billion-dollar fortune in an act of chaste coital bliss.

10:46 PM: The Republicans have done great! Don’t you remember the Bush years? OH, I DIDN’T MENTION THOSE?

10:48 PM: “Hey old people, you’re all good with your Medicare; it’s your grandchildren who will get screwed, but you’ll be dead by then and we’re lying to you about protecting them since you’re routinely tapped as targets by other well-known scam artists, but you’re probably too senile to know that, or maybe your children haven’t called in a while and you just want to talk on the phone for a little while? Can we give you a call, btw? Vote for us!”

10:50 PM: Republicans lose when they play the Democratic game of “scaring and dividing,” says a guy who represents a party that consists of a large religious element convinced that President Obama is a vehicle of Satan.

10:51 PM: “We comin’ to get ya, Washington!” Applause.

Romney won’t stand when Christie points to him in the crowd because he still has a boner from the Mormon sex cave. #science

10:54 PM: This is so fucking boring. Cigarette break time.

 

0

Notes on Not Having the Internet

She was French, and I have a thing for a French accent. She said, “Excuse me,” and I didn’t hear because I was working, drinking cranberry juice and soda, trying to accomplish 15 things at once for my move, my job, my people.

“Ex-kuse me, please,” she said again.

“Oh sorry,” I replied, sliding my chair at the bar over, going through my work inbox, analyzing spreadsheets, downloading “shit that might be important” and discarding that which obviously wouldn’t be. I didn’t care that some perfectly beautiful French woman had sat down next to me, because I had more important things to do. Then she said:

“Ex-kuse me, what are tease ‘de-vile-d eggs’?” At which point I basically told her, “They’re the bee’s knees, go for it,” and she did. I asked her to watch my computer while I went out for a cigarette. She promised that she would. When I came back it was still there.

I asked her if she’d enjoyed the deviled eggs. She told me she had. Her friends arrived and she left the bar. I wished her a good night, a bonsoir. She did the same.

I never got her name. It doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t have remembered anyway.

0

Notes on a Shitshow

Josh and I followed the directions the GPS woman gave. We’ll call her Elsie, because that’s what Maura called her, and because it’s a silly enough name that it allows me to rightly mock her when she makes mistakes. For example:

Elsie told us that the fastest way to the Walmart Northwest Arkansas Regional Airport was to take backwoods roads in bumfuck Arkansas. I don’t know if you’ve ever been to bumfuck Arkansas, but despite its vast picturesque qualities, meandering through dirt roads speckled with crumbling houses with plastic over their windows, brokedown station wagons in their “driveways,” inevitably evokes Deliverance-esque feelings of unease. It’s the perfect place for anything to go wrong. Josh mentioned that if we were to get a flat tire, we could very well be in some deep trouble, and even though I reassured him that I have changed a goodly number of tires in my day, I secretly agreed with him.

Elsie, of course, directed us to go over a bridge that was barricaded with concrete dividers that would allow only the slimmest vehicles to pass. I got out of the car and motioned for Josh to go through — slowly, slowly. We could have made it, but on the first attempt did not, and so I ran back to the car, over the little backwoods creek bridge, to consult with him.

“We can make it,” I said, “but I don’t know about that rock formation up ahead.” Josh agreed. I ran over the bridge, rickety — a bridge for pioneers and four-wheelers, not motor vehicles. The rock formation was foreboding. Sure enough, there were four-wheeler tracks, but equally sure enough, there was absolutely no way we could make it past the second obstacle. I jogged back to the car. We backed up and changed direction. Elsie got upset and told us to “Turn around as soon as possible,” in her vaguely British lilt, thinking, as is her wont, that her selected route was surely the best one. When we finally made it clear to her software that the bridge she had directed us to was impassable, she recalculated her route and directed us the rest of the way to the airport on paved roads.

Unbeknownst to us, our flight was the last leg of a four stop trip that began God-knows-where and ended in Newark. There were significant delays in Waco and Houston, pushing us back to 9:30. I had Josh watch my stuff while I went outside to smoke cigarettes and fume at the Arkansas sunset, the rows and rows of parked cars, pinks and oranges bouncing off the windshields. I went back through security and had “dinner,” which consisted of a shot of bourbon and an IPA. I went back down to Gate B and our flight had been delayed until 10:30. Josh and I went to the only proper restaurant in the establishment, ate chicken, and proceeded back to the waiting area.

I told Josh I’d be at the bar drinking. I wrote emails to Vin about apartments and ordered a Bud Light with a shot, ever counting the calories. Josh frantically texted me: “Get down here.” I settled up on my company’s dime and rushed down the escalator to see what the fuss was about. Long story short, the United rep made it clear that our best bet for getting home that night (this night? You’ll pardon me, I suppose, as I haven’t slept a wink) was to re-book, fly to Chicago, and make a connection there for Newark. “You sure we should do this?” I asked Josh. “The guy basically said that our original flight is canceled,” he replied.

The original flight wasn’t canceled, just delayed another half an hour, but that’s beside the point. At least now it is.

Step one: fly to Chicago, O’Hare.

Step two: wait on the tarmac for 45 minutes for our gate to open up so that we can unload.

Step three: run like a motherfucker to Concourse C from Concourse F to see if the flight to Newark has been equally fucked up by nationwide delays that we have a chance to get onboard.

And that’s what we did. We power-walked and jogged through O’Hare with our fellow 20-or-so passengers trying to make the same connection. An older couple tried to take a shuttle from Concourse F to C, to no avail, as it was out of service. We heard them complain at the bottom of the stairs and abandoned them. They were not our friends, and they were not our responsibility.

Step four: land in Newark at 4:15 in the morning, five and a half hours late. Take a $99 cab ride home to Brooklyn. Bill it to the company Monday morning first thing.

It’s good to be home, but it’s time to go to bed.

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