8:55 PM: Some dude is talking about something. Ed makes the good point that lots of these people are probably drunk. So keep that in mind when the rounds of applause do or do not materialize. They aren’t coming for this guy, because no one knows who he is.
8:57 PM: UN-IN-SPIR-ING. This is like the Stones deliberately making their openers sound shitty so that they sound that much better by comparison. The Republicans must REEEEALLY know Romney’s not going to inspire.
8:58 PM: Attack ad on Obama. How many minutes will it last? Okay one and a half or so. Now it’s time for the founder of Staples to speak! Ohmigod, the founder of Staples! This is Must See TeeVee, people!
9:01 PM: Solyndra!
9:02 PM: The nerve of the President to demonize Bain Capital! The nerve!
cont’d: Mitt Romney created jobs?
9:02-9:11 PM: Okay, so Staples guy said “They just don’t get it!” over and over again (re: Preznit Obamma and co., natch), there was a stupid video about how Bain Capital saved some steel company. Then some “small business owner” (Cuban emigre from Florida — strategic!), and then there was another video about Romney saving the Olympics and really being a good guy. Now here’s Kerry Murphy Healey, former Lt. Governor of Massachusetts. She’s saying stuff. It’s actually 9:14 now.
9:14 PM: I don’t know if I can watch this anymore.
9:15 PM: Mitt Romney was a really great governor in Massachusetts. Once more, in keeping with the theme of discussing his record as governor for this Republican National Convention, his healthcare overhaul is not mentioned.
9:17 PM: When someone died in a tunnel accident, Mitt Romney went in there with his Super Sperm and fixed that motherfucker right up! And that’s what he’s gonna do when he’s in the White House! This is rather awkward for me! I feel slightly uncomfortable up here!
9:19 PM: America, I know you’re skeptical, and I know you have good reason to be because Mitt Romney is as slippery as a pork chop, but Mitt Romney is a hell of a guy. Okay? Okay, I’m done here. Thanks.
[Promo ad about his record as governor of Massachusetts. I eagerly await the part about his revolutionary healthcare plan!]
9:21 PM: This is the night Mitt Romney’s campaign decided to run on his record as a sleazeball at Bain Capital and a governor whose most notable achievement during his tenure was a healthcare overhaul, an overhaul modeled on the national level by President Obama and which Romney is now directly running against. Crazy like a fox!
9:25 PM: Holy fuck, this is so boring. So, so boring.
9:27 PM: Taylor Hicks is singing a song. The Republicans are tapping into the American psyche SO HARD RIGHT NOW! Yes!
9:28 PM: Hey, there’s a sign for Guam. Pop quiz, hot shot: Which ocean is Guam in? No cheating!
9:29 PM: Sweet bridge, Taylor Hicks’s band. Oh shit, now we’re gettin’ down. Harmonica solo! White people trying to keep rhythm in the crowd with their hand claps! This is so… I don’t know. White?
9:31 PM: What the fuck is this? Kim Rhode? She shoots skeet at the Olympics and wins gold medals for America?
9:33 PM: There are now some white Olympians being brought out onstage. Holy shit, Scott Hamilton is a fucking Republican? I thought he was gay?
9:35 PM: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
9:36 PM: Sports is like politics, and I needed to get back on target, and now we need Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan to take aim and fix the country and achieve dreams just like we did at the Olympics. Or something. Okay, bye!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
9:37 PM: Another asshole to talk about the Olympics. All the Olympians are still up there. Jesus Christ, they are really milking the shit out of this one, aren’t they?
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
9:46 PM: Musical Interlude Featuring Black Guy with Black Women’s Chorus: The Romney campaign has evidently decided that polling at 0% among the African-American population is Not So Good For The Public Image. This is their solution. Canny.
9:50 PM: Nothing better than a song that ends, “Americaaaahh!” Nothing.
9:51 PM: Weird cover by some sad white person wedding band of Get Ready by The Temptations. Really weird.
[Another promo ad about the Olympics. This is beating a dead horse into a patty, rolling it back up into a ball, fashioning that ball into the shape of a horse, and then beating it again. And now Ann’s MS diagnosis. Whoa, buddy, your wife trusts you? You’re so unique! You can’t explain love? You’re just like me! Love is so magical, isn’t it? Our family is really nice. One of our sons is named Tagg! Etc, etc.]
10:03 PM: Clint Eastwood? Clint Eastwood. Enough said.
10:05 PM: “Oprah was crying.” Laugh line. Silly black people crying, like black people have any reason to feel happy about a black President. Hahaha. Hehe.
10:06 PM: Is Clint Eastwood drunk?
10:07 PM: In which Clint Eastwood suggests that trying people for their crimes is unAmerican and receives applause from the crowd.
10:08 PM: In which Clint Eastwood suggests that it’s Barack Obama’s fault that America was involved in two land wars when he took office.
10:09 PM: In which Clint Eastwood suggests that Joe Biden is unqualified to be Vice President, forgetting his own party’s nominee for the position the last time around, never mind this time.
10:11 PM: In which Clint Eastwood suggests that driving in an armored motorcade is unreasonable for a black President to do if he is to be a true environmentalist, receives laughs.
10:12 PM: In which Clint Eastwood tells us we’re the best.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
10:14 PM: In which Clint Eastwood is prompted by a plant in the audience to end his speech with “Go ahead, make my day,” and does so. Such spontaneity!
10:15 PM: Marco Rubio brought in to shore up the Cuban vote in Florida — not doing so well with the old folks and the coupons and the Paul Ryan “Medicare,” eh, Republicans?
10:18 PM: Fucking blah blah blah, government’s never done anything, that’s why I’m a politician telling you to vote for another politician to serve in the government, because logic and reason, and also Obama is a bad president, not like Mitt Romney.
10:20 PM: New regulations don’t move us forward! They move us backward! They failed us every time! Don’t you remember all that failing that happened before we deregulated the financial industry? DON’T YOU?!
10:22 PM: Freedom, lies about basic 9th grade American history, Almighty God, etc.
10:25 PM: “Your savings and investments are wiped out and your house is worth less than your mortgage. You know whose fault that is? It’s Obama’s! Hahahaha, I can’t believe I can actually get away with saying that to you idiots, hahahaha!”
10:27 PM: Bootstraps!
10:30 PM: Please stop now. I just want to see Mitt Romney crash and burn.
10:33 PM: Romney shakes hands, looks incredibly awkward. Yes.
10:34 PM: Shakin hands and lookin awkward! Continues! Romney’s wife looks worried, Paul Ryan & co. look like they’re tired of clapping. Lots of “Thank yous,” and then an “Ow, ow, ow, don’t touch me!” That was weird. Okay, he’s taking to the stage, time to get down to business.
10:35 PM: TELEPROMPTERS!!!!!!!!
10:37 PM: Paul Ryan’s pretty great, amirite? God, I hope I’m right. iPod joke!
10:39 PM: Freedom. Freedom. Freedom! Paul Ryan’s wife looks exceptionally bored.
10:40 PM: Obligatory Castro reference: Dropped.
10:42 PM: U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
10:42 PM: When you lost the job that paid well and had benefits, you took two jobs with no benefits, because you’re American, and that’s good! You work hard! But that’s not right, because you pay a lot for gas! WTF Obama?
10:46 PM: Detroit, what what!
10:50 PM: I am Mitt Romney and I am re-hashing everything that everyone else has already said about me, because I have absolutely no personality myself to display and this is just how we’ve decided to do things for this convention, okay?
10:52 PM: “Gotta love the Moms out there! Love ya! Ladies, vote for me! I don’t hate your ladyparts that much.”
10:54 PM: Mitt Romney asks if I feel as hopey changey today as I did on Election Day about Barack Obama? Honest answer: compared to you, I feel like he is the second coming of Christ.
10:56 PM: You know when you go to the mall and you see Staples and Sports Authority? I MADE THOSE COMPANIES HAPPEN, BOO YEAH!
10:59 PM: Dear Mitt Romney, you forgot to mention George W. Bush when you were discussing the recent Presidents who couldn’t tell the American people that their lives were better “now” than they were when they took office. I just thought you should know.
11:01 PM: Gasoline prices have doubled since Obama took office? Could’ve fooled me.
11:02 PM: The crowd boos China. Boos cutting the military-industrial complex. Boos
11:03 PM: Romney has a plan to create 12 million new jobs. We’re going to do the Census every year, motherfuckers!
11:04 PM: Five point plan: 1) Energy Independence! 2) Every student gets a chance! 3) No more cheating in trade! 4) Cut the deficit and put America on track to a balanced budget without harming job creators! 5) Reduce taxes on businesses and repealing Obamacare!
= 12 million jobs!!!
11:06 PM: I won’t raise taxes on the middle class in America; I’ll simply destroy it. Oh, and I won’t let fags get married or babies get aborted.
11:07 PM: Apparently we won the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Funny, that.
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
11:09 PM: Look, I know Obama killed Osama bin Laden and all, but have you thought about how scary Iran is? ANYONE GAME FOR ANOTHER WAR?
11:11 PM: Call and response time. Fucking kill me now.
11:14 PM: It’s over. Thank God. It is finally, finally over. Time to wave awkwardly and wait for Paul Ryan to — here he is! And here are some balloons! And some wives! More balloons for the ladies! Confetti! Children of Super Sperm! White children and families! American families!
If you’ve gotten this far, you’re crazy, so I’ll reward you with this: “Fear of a Black President” by Ta-Nehisi Coates. Go read it and learn something about the country or something. It’s kind of a slap in the face to the closing of the RNC with “America the Beautiful,” that much I’ll say. Oh, and it has the benefit of being itself beautiful.
Obama 2012, baby.